Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Emma can dance

My Little niece and her daddy dancing at the family Christmas party

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Wind Is A Woman


The wind is a woman,
The Wind is a woman outside my window crying
Trying to hold back the rain that is destine to pour down.
The wind is a woman outside my window praying
Praying for the love she hasn't ever found
Yet, in this rain is peace, and eternal cleansing.
Twill wash away the pain of days gone by
Soon the woman outside my window crying
Will heave a thanks to heaven in her heavy sigh
If she knew what brings the marrow,
Less sorrow she would see.
If she understood tomorrow
How would her temper now, be…
The wind is a woman, outside my window, crying
Her heart of ice can't melt the stubborn burning in her brain
She weeps as she contemplates ways of dying.
And she howls through the glass, as if her life were full of pain.
An' though the night is deep and dark, I am certain
If she could only make it through just one more time
The morning sun would melt her heart of frozen tears
And perhaps she would believe this silly rime
I am the woman, inside, crying
And I wonder if others feel the same.
Sometimes I feel my soul is dying
I feel my history is filled with so much shame.
But I know there is a man, outside my window
Who waits for me to come to him in prayer
I know he hears my thoughts and agony
I know that he promised to always be there.
So instead of death, I write my first confession.
I cannot do this all on my own.
I am not as strong or perfect as I would like to be
I'm not a child now, for I am fully grown.
And my tears will fill up the heavens
And he cries with me for he loves me so
And together we will find a solution
With my hand in his, he never will let go

I know that earthly pain isn't for always.
There are good parts of life we can go through.
These feelings aren't a permanent fixture
To hang onto the thought of a rising sun, is all that I can do.
He promised me he would not leave me lonely.
He said that his words will bring release.
I will wait for that sunlight in the morning.
And at last my heart will melt, and my tears will fall,
In the warmth of the sun I will find peace.





July 2007 by Sabrina F. Malan

Thursday, October 4, 2012

cat scratched arms

The last 48 hours have been a real whirl wind of emotions.  I drove up to the SLC valley to go to an AA meeting and to meet with my AA sponsor.  I then went to my friend's to see his new place. He just moved across town into a small house.  It was a lot nicer than the apartment that he was living in, but because he has been having problems with his job he appeared unhappy, to say the least.  He asked me if I had seen the AVENGERS, and I told him that I had not.  Then he asked me if I had seen any of the movies that led up to that. I told him no.  Then he said,"Well, I know what we are gonna be doing tonight!" and he hooked up his theater system and we watched IRON MAN.  It was a great show, what I remember of it.  But I was switching so much that I don't know the story line too well.
Because I was switching so much... I don't recall all that we did, but I do remember small glimpses.  I was supposed to only be there for an hour or two, then I was going to go over to my very good friend's house for a few hours and then I was going to go home. But, due to switching, and other things,  I did not leave his house until after midnight.  AND I had left my phone in the car so I didn't get the chance to send her a text telling her that I was gonna be late.  So she was all kinds of worried about me.  See she was there when I went over to the dangerous man's apartment.  She was at my home when I finally got away from him, and she saw the bruises, and when I told her what happened she was so traumatized.  So me not sending her a message telling her that everything was okay, freaked her out.
I finally called her as I was pulling out of his driveway.  She was having a panic attack on the phone, and started crying, I could tell that she was really angry and very upset.  I was trying to piece together my night, and drive safely to her house, so I had to get off the phone. I saw a cop car directly in front of me, and told her about it, and got off the phone.
I was immediately flooded with guilt and shame.  I was Filled to the brim, inside of my head, with voices screaming at me, screaming at each other! I have 39 alters, and it was like there was crying, and yelling, and screaming, and growling, etc.   I tried to take deep breaths as I was driving to my sweet scared friend's house.  I got there, and I smelled like boy, because he and I were cuddle-ling on the couch watching the movie.  So I pushed through my purse and found some smell good lotion and put it on my neck and arms and face.  When I got out of the car, she was there wrapped up in a blanket waiting to hug me, and see that I was okay.  She and I went into her home and out on the back porch.  We talked for about an hour and a half.  It was intense, and I felt like I could not apologize enough.  She wasn't shaming me, she wasn't even blaming me for what happened.... she was merely expressing her feelings.  She said that she didn't want to take care of my feelings and hers, and I agreed with her.... I am a big girl and I can take care of my own feelings.  I don't need anybody to help me with my feelings!! But ... wo I didn't know I was upset about that, but I suppose I was.  Anyways, She was trying to keep it real.  And so we talked about what happened, and how she felt about it, and how i felt about it.  I was so messed up, and finally I realized I wasn't there in the conversation.  I realized that she was talking, and I had no idea what she was saying.  I tried to involve myself back in the conversation, but my mind would not stick to it.  I was lost for about 15 minutes.  Then I finally got the nerve up to tell her that I was dissociated and had no idea what she was talking about.  We talked for a while after that, and I knew that I was gonna need to go because I was freezing from being outside, and I was so messed up emotionally in my head and in my heart.  So we talked for a bit inside and I left.  I drove home, and walked inside, plugged in my phone and turned on some GLEE and sat up for a while. Around 4 I switched and when I came to around 630 AM I had around 30 new cuts on my arms.
I went to therapy today.  I have a few things that were written on the back wall in my mind so I know a few things that happened, but I don't have a full picture. And I have been in and out since then.  Well, I just came back into it, and i have over 120 cuts, on arms and a few on my left leg.  I don't know how I am doing this, because I don't have anything to cut with that I can see.  But my arms are just ugly, and they are burning.
I feel like I am doing something so wrong, and that I have no control.  I feel like someone is attacking me.  I do not want to go into the hospital....but at the same time, I don't wanna keep playing this game of Russian roulette .... I need to talk to someone about this. But I don't know who to talk to about it.  I am afraid that Francine might be taking things too far. I don't know why I can't control this.  I am so sad.  I am so angry.  I am so frustrated. I am so triggered.  I feel so alone. I don't know what to do.  I am praying, but I just don't know what is going to help. That doesn't mean i don't have faith cause i do.... I am just struggling
There is a ton that i have not written here too, but that is long enough for right now.
Thanks for taking the time to read if you did.
 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I am gonna ramble.....

I have had an interesting last few days.  I was hanging out at my friends house from Thursday to Monday, yesterday, house sitting.  I had a great time there!  I had the whole house to myself, well me and the kitties.  They were great company, and it was so much fun!
I had a lot of time to think about my life, and what is being made of it.  I thought about how productive i had been for the last two weeks.  I had been going through boxes and throwing out a ton of useless things.  I felt good about getting rid of wedding pics, and the like.  I have never been so thorough in releasing things from my intense grip - into the garbage, or Savers pile.
With all that going on, and working through some fierce emotions and flash backs, I had a great experience with God.  I decided to trust Him and let go of the things that did me more harm by keeping them than they did keeping them.  I threw away things from my marriage, high school, even dishes and pampered chef things that Robyn already has so i didn't have to keep extra clutter.  I am giving some things to my little sister.  They are in need of pans, dishes, shampoo and conditioner, lotion, deodorant, towels and wash cloths.  And a few odds and ends.  I feel really good about giving her what she really needs... a lot of people don't want to give her any support right now, but I know that God truly loves her, and she really needs this stuff...so I have extras - therefore I can help her out.  I know God would do that if He were here,  and I am here, so I will do it.  I love her so much!!
I have my pillow case of toys that my two little niece and nephew play with from time to time.  They like to come in my room and play kitties.  It is so cute.  I cherish those moments!
I do need to go through my shoes and my purses.  I have a lot of both of them.  I also need to get rid of some more clothing because i think i have too much stuff, things that do not fit.
My T asked me not to work on my losing weight thing.  Not yet.  He said that I have so much to work on, that if I tried to work on everything all at once I would not only go crazy, I would probably end up in the hospital over it.  I do NOT want to go back to the psych ward, so I am gonna take his advice!  Speaking of my T, he is such a great T!! He is so in tune, and he doesn't judge me and tell me I am bad and that I am gonna go to hell.  I really admire that.
So the things that I am working on are as follows: Anxiety control, PTSD relief, not cutting, Keeping track of switching and pulling together the individuals from the inside...that last one is really hard.
So while I am working on that stuff, I am also trying to perfect my bedroom and bathroom.  I am doing pretty good i think, but it still needs work.
This is the first time i have organized things in a productive manner ... I have tried to do it before, but with help from Robyn I am doing pretty damn good I think.
Well, I am gonna go get back into the unpacking and going through it part of my brain.
Thanks for reading this whole thing, if you did.
Hugs

Bri

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Anger!!!

I need to vent.  I have been told by my family, nearly my whole adult life, to ship up and fly right. to grow up and quit with the downer talk.  I have hand picked friends that i thought would understand where i was coming from .... friends that would not cosign my bullshit, but would not blind slide me either.  Tonight I was told that I need to grow up.  I was told that I am selfish and that I blame others for my problems, most of all I blame God.  And this isn't true.  I think it hurts me so because my parents and the people who were supposed to love and support me told me so in not so nice ways i might add.  They claimed that me being me, wasn't enough for them, and least of all it wasn't pleasing to God.  I do not want to always make it about me.  i do not always think of giving up.  I don't think i need to grow-up, i think that i need to learn to deal with the mental illness that i have, and i am learning.  Of course i am not perfect at it, not yet, i am still learning.... and i have come a pretty long way.  but i can't now, nor will i ever be, perfect!
I don't need to grow up!!
UGGGGGH! I take care of my responsibilities, i make it to all my appointments! I pay all my bills! I don't ask anyone to take care of my anything!  I am constantly working on doing things in a better fashion and learning about new ways to plan and so on.  I think that is pretty fucking responsible!
I understand that we all are dealing with the conflict of self, I have been pretty up there in selfishness.  I was a drunk and druggie, and i would put my using above everything else...no questions asked.  But, I have seriously been working on that. I have not used or drank for almost a year now, and I go to AA meetings, and I attend church.  I try to be there for my friends, and I love helping out when i can.  I have had to learn the difference between what i can do, and what i can't.  I do what i can, and I can do a little more sometimes, and a little less other times.  But I am honest on what i can do.  I don't say i can't do something if i can do it.  I am just not that way.  Life is too short to spend it lieing! I am as honest as i can be man.
the biggest thing that i do need to work on is this extreme depressive behavior. It is chemical major depression, and also situational. And for years i have gone from okay to suicidal in like 30 minutes.  (sometimes not even that long) but it is getting longer and longer, this last time it wasn't even a thought.  I said that i wanted to .... you know.  and it was thought that i was talking about suicide.  even when i told him that i  meant that i wanted to be a normal person, and not about death, he told me to grow up, and to stop blamin the Lord for all I got.  I was taken a back.  I had a huge question mark on my forehead.  I suppose he had been meaning to tell me this for quite sometime.  But, i was hurt because this person never really tried to understand me about the DID, he never asks about it, and he won't because it makes him uncomfy.  But, damn, just because you are uncomfortable don't shit on me.
He told me that he was saying this as much for him, and he was for me.  He said that we will all stand before our maker some day, and will have to answer for all the things that we have done in our lives, which is true.  He then said we can't blame anyone else for what we do, or don't do.  The only thing i have ever told him was that i wish i had control when my alters come out, i wish that they didn't cut me, i wanted control, and it frustrated me a lot.  Then he told me that I need to grow up and stop blaming others for what i do to myself. So i tried to give him an out, thought that he didn't understand me and my situation.  You know, cuz he never asked me anything about it.  So I asked him point blank - are you saying that i am aware of my cutting me, and that i don't have the multiple thing going on.  He said "I'm not going to apologize for what I have said."
This made me so mad that I could barely see straight.  And the kewl thing is that i didn't turn it inward.  I didn't get mad at myself and cut my arm to shreds.  I also didn't switch.  I don't know why.  I don't understand it, but in a way I am happy about that.  Instead of doing all those things, I got on here and typed out my feelings.
So, while i am pissed at my friend for what he said to me.  I am also grateful that I had this experience.  I was so sad, and felt completely betrayed.  but, also I used one of my coping skills that i learned from my therapist.... so in a way it was a good thing.  but a very heart breaking one.
He was just very unconscious about his behavior, and i know that what he was telling me was a reflection of the way he sees his life.  He even said that he needed to hear what he was saying to me... so there you go.
ugggh, grrrr.... and plecky

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My Price

So we pray to as many different God's as there are flowers...

I wonder sometimes if God loves me the way i always dreamed of being loved.  And the answer is, He does, He will, and always has!! He died for me! Was whipped and beaten, wore a crown of thorns, and bore the price of my sins upon His shoulders.  He bled for me. He died for me.
I use to think that my price was a dollar amount. But that was a lie from Satan's lips.  My own worth is, in God's eyes, great! Though compared to God i am as nothing, dust and stuff... but He created me and my soul.  He knows me and loves ... ME!
And so it is with you too.  God loves you, He paid the ultimate price for your soul.   Now all you need to do is believe, and confess with your lips that Jesus is your Lord and Savior.  We must trust in Jesus with our whole heart!
God is the be all and end all!
I will trust in the worth God has placed on my soul, and not pay any mind to the "world" and their silly dollar amounts.
Thank you God!

Friday, September 7, 2012

My Peeps

The ones that are here to love you have called you marred 
They do not understand all the good that you are
Instead they treat you in a way that is sad
But do not believe for a minute that you are bad
Sometimes people do not know
How they treat others so
They do it because they do not understand
How God can actually hold you in His hand
They are afraid they will be like you
But this is exactly what they need to do
You are an affront to the life that they know
They pity and belittle you, but so?
You belong to the God of heaven above
He has already shown you His love
Trust in that, and your heart will mend
He is that be all and the end...
It is He who loves, and we try to follow
If we place that hope in people, it will be hollow
For a person can always break your heart
But, don't forget who loves you - and did from the start

Trust in the Lord, O my soul
Do not place anyone's love above 
My God's love for me, nor mine for Him.
He is  the be all and end all. 
Above Him there is no other.
I love you Jesus, thank You for what 
You did for me. 


Friday, April 20, 2012

Blue-funking

I am having a weird couple of days.  i am blue-funking pretty hard core, and I have been talking to a good friend of mine that we are getting reaquainted with each other.  Sorry about the improper English...i told you i was blue-funking it.  Weird day, weird last night...weird in general. lol oh well. On to the next thing...

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Bitchy Cell Phone

I am getting a new phone today!! I am so excited! I really need one bad, since i dropped my current cell in a bit of water, totally submerged..lol
It is kinda funny.  I had a cup of water, and i set it at the side of my bed on the floor. I had my cell phone and i laid it down at the side of my body on the bed and fell asleep.  I bumped the phone off the bed and of all the space that it had to land on the floor, do you think that that happened? NO! The phone fell directly into the cup of water, not even knocking the cup over.  I remember hearing the kerplunk, and waking right up, once i realized what had happened. Now my phone is pretentious, and if you close it too hard it turns off.  If you press any button too hard it turns off. Sometimes during a conversation, if i sneeze it will turn off. SO I am off to the Cricket store to get a new one. Yay!! However, i am keeping my current cell phone number ha ha ha .... my life is so funny sometimes.

:)

Jesus Loves Me Markers

So I have been trying not to cut, and Robyn had a great idea. She told one of my alters to write the word love on my arm in red marker, and see if that would help me not to cut.  Well, my alters took this as permission to write all over my body. I had it on both arms, chest, belly, and all over the legs.  LOL and as you can see also on my face.  I didn't cut this time, and i felt great!!! Wonderful suggestion Robyn!!

Socks

Little D came into the kitchen this morning and said, "Mom can you give Dad his sex?" Robyn was completely shocked and said what? to which he repeated himself.  She looked at me and said still shocked, "What?" he said, "Cam you give Dad his sex?"
Robyn turned to me and asked, "Is he saying what i think i am hearing?" I said, "Yes I heard the same thing."
She turned to her 5 year old son and said what one more time.
He said, "Can you give Dad his SOCKS!?"
WOW we laughed and laughed.... wo

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I have turned a corner today.  I handled a memory in such a way as to not having harmed myself further, but instead it was healthy and heart felt with tears and love.  It was amazing. I am giving God my heart and charging Him with the carrying of it.  He is bigger than i am, and i love Him so much.  I know He is carrying me too right now.  "Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name, sing like never before, oh my soul, I will worship His holy name!"
I wrote out the memory and with my sweet sister in Christ, I burned the paper.  It was amazing and I love her so much. Thank you Jesus for your tender mercies and love.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Love

I am amazed at the goodness of our God.  He teaches us through His Holy Spirit, and loves us so much! Because He loved me first, I can love others...and see God in them.
If nobody told you that they love you today, I love you. And God, who is far greater than I, loves you too.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Jesus is our advocate to the Father. The Holy Spirit is God's advocate to us.
John 14

Monday, January 30, 2012

john 14:14

if something is 99% true, and 1% false would you still follow it?
If you had a gallon of yummy lemonaide, and there was a tablespoon of pee in it, would you drink it?
If you were eating an apple and took a large bite out and found a worm in the center of the apple, would you eat it?
Why do you belong to something that you know has many untrue concepts, and calls the Bible untrue? The Bible is the most true of any book, and you would get closer to God by reading the Bible, than by any other book!
John 14:14  "If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it."  Ask God if the Bible is true, look at the facts, and see with your spiritual eyes, that becoming a Christian is the way to be with God after this life. 

 Thank you Lord Jesus, for all your gifts to me.  Thank you for knowing who I am and my heart.  Thank you for blessing my friends and family.  I praise you God for all good things.  Thank you for dieing on the cross and suffering for my sins! Thank you for helping me in my unbelief, to become a true believer.  I love you Jesus now and forever. Please bless those who will read this that they may come to know the truth. In your name, Amen.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Closed Eyes


Darkness, I cannot see
I stumble, looking for Thee
I stand here searching for Thy light
But, only dark blackness fills my sights
Voices screaming, crying for me to come
Chanting and raving, "where are you from?"
Cause I have faith I walk and trust
Stumbling still, but keep trying I must

Smack! Ooh I hit the pavement again.
I feel new bruises inside my hands
Touching my legs and arms with care
Reveals cuts and scrapes there
Where am I? What have I fallen into?
Now that I'm here, what should I do?
Trying to follow Christ, when I cannot see
I wonder sometimes, can you see me?
With hands spread out, once again i will stand
With all my soul, I'll follow Thy command

But there is darkness all around
I have faith, but still there is no light to be found.
This would be so much easier for me
If only, Thy will Lord, was for me to see.
Yet, I walk another mile and a half
My body wants rest, my will to laugh

Through tripping and scuffing my shins and knees,
I fall, and wonder, why oh Lord please
All my days I have followed Thy plan
Seeking mysteries to Godliness, Trying to understand
But, still I can't see
Lord hear my plea

On my knees, in the rain
I feel so cold, confused, and in pain
All my life, Thy word I have kept
During the day, or in dreams as I've slept
I wander to and fro on this earth
But, now I find my will is dearth.

Oh Lord, guide my way
I know I can't travel alone today
Mile after mile, together we walk
Hand in hand, you listening while i talk
My God, you are so patient and meek.
To my tears and concerns I hear you speak.

"My precious daughter, have no fear. I love you and am always near. I've known your pains and your delights. You have been obedient even without your sight Now, my child, listen to what i say You shall have your sights today. Though you thought it was from me When eyes are closed, they cannot see. So hear me now, I am God, whom you love. I will always be watching you from above. Try not to make things harder than they are, To get into heaven, you don't have to be a star. Just be the very best person you can be, Now, open your eyes, my child, and see."

A Mighty Change

Capturing the Image behind the glass
Pieces of me I've found at last
Reflections hidden behind this wall
Capturing me before I fall
Waking up to consciousness
Open eyes, succeed to confess
Light is fleeing the shadows away
Soon this night will turn into day
A mighty change, can it happen so fast
Going through the labyrinth of my past
Drowning deep I breath in my pain
Standing still I feel the rain
Fire dancing in my eyes
Taking off my thick disguise
Can you see into my soul
For there are pieces of me even I don't know
The past with the future are make believe
The here and now is you and me
So hold me close, and let me be
All I need is God and me
With Him I know there's nothing more dear
Than the woman staring at me behind the mirror

Quarrels From Yesterday

I wanted to call back yesterday
To murder it on the spot!
I wanted to redo the fight,
And finish it honorably.
I wanted to place the newly shattered pieces
Of bitterness and sorrow,
Locked away in a safe, forever and forgotten.

I did not want to feel the pain.
I did not want to mix manipulated guilt
With regret, and shame.
I did not want words of anger to shout again.
I did not want them sealed in time,
For then I could not change them.

I wanted my journey as pure as an April shower.
I wanted it as innocent as a new born baby.
I wanted it to be peaceful and full of sunshine.
I wanted it as a clean piece of paper,
Fresh and untouched.
So I could write the happy endings from
Fairy Tales upon it.

Tell Me



Weeping willows
that cry at my bedside
bring peace in their
comforting arms

Sans (without) fear of violence
I speak to the dust
to be embraced in an
empty hallow

Regretted, abandoned
Alone.
thoughts full as if glass
shattering the forsaken
heart

with hope of a sun
Le moon is dropped
into the grande bouche of
darkness

society embellishes freedom
and rights
manipulated guilt and depression
seizing the young dreams and
pride
from the children
while swallowing the
will of the parents

Nature in all her splendor
roars and moans in
pain and disappointment
for her green world now is
gray

recalling treasured
memories of yesterday
Les larmes lui montent aux yeux
for the memories are fading in
silence

paths that follow the steps
of the ancient
have become
Envahis (over come)
wild with terrorism
politics, till almost they have vanished
Efface!

Standing with my eyes
open to the sea
i am blind
where are the roses
Dis moi

The Princess of Persia


White heavenly royalty
Prances in from the
Litter box.

Delicately shaping her
Magnificent mane,
To purrr-fection.

Stretching her arms
In an innocent and
Feminine yawn,
She unconsciously paws
With her absent claws.

Drifting past the arrogant room
Leaving a scent tickling the nose
As a feather.

With spongy steps and clawless paws,
She floats to the window seat,
Her throne.

Beauty radiating from her whiteness.
Her Persia heritage left her
Face, wall-like.

Emerald eyes catch mine, an ocean.
Pushing her shoulders skyward
Magnifies her royal aura.

Giving a nod she invited me,
Her faithful subject,
Into her presence,
With her elegant ball of string.

Beautiful Portrait


Broken pieces fallen on the ground
A half hearted smile scarce to be found
Rigorous honesty one at a time finds
Broken in pieces is not the mind
Shattered mirrors, a broken reflection makes
Once mended a beautiful portrait takes

This was me, Once upon a time
Still and fragmented, scarcely worth a dime
(to me)
Yet like a diamond, whom never loses its worth
I was precious as rubies even from birth

Half empty, or half full, who can tell
Going through heaven, Going through hell
Is there only black and white
No! There are many shades of grey
Rainbows can be seen through the rain

Broken pieces a puzzle to fix
Greys and colors in the mix
Shadows add density and light
God's creations can be optimistic and bright

Like the lone tree in the middle of the run
My focus was settled upon the one
Now, to the left, to the right, so much space
In the mirror, it's me I face
If I say I can or I can't it's truth
My life thus far is the proof

And still I can change my thought process
To see who I am, not "yet another mess"

Broken pieces fallen to the ground
A full hearty smile now is found
Shattered mirror, a broken reflection makes
Once mended, a beautiful portrait takes

Night


Sleep so tightly, my little one dear.
Shadows and monsters are nothing to fear
Inside the morning sadness is found
When all of nights beauty is not all around
Sip in the music of silence and shade
Gulp the cool breeze, where dreamers are made
Laugh with the wind, as he rushes in strides
Tickeling your fancy till you ache in your sides
Remember the widow, the orphan, the lark
For all are alone, in their beds, after dark
Sing the sweet music of stars in the sky
Sampling the efforts of mystics near by
See how the waves of graid do shift
The clouds of pollution do softly lift
Fields of ocean running swifty to shore
Piles of pilgrims dancing once more
Shepherds writing of sun and moon
Hurry in dream land, the sun will come soon
And as the darkness slips away
It is time to start another day
Even so shed not one tiny tear, young lad
For soon another night is yet to be had

Bird Frog


I have a bird inside of me
With clear, crisp voice to sleep she sings
I hear her day
I hear her nights
Sweetly she sings through
Peace or fights
My friends are fooled
They do not know
It's not my voice that sounds so
For one cool night
Wide mouthed I slept
Into my mouth the small birdy crept
And now, she will not go away
I'm rather glad, I'd hoped she'd stay
For her voice has helped lift my heavy load
And changed the life
Of this Toad.

Sleep

You devil!
You deceiver
You undiscovered wake
You fiendish thief!
You liar
You vulgar expression
You explicative remark
You anger ridden demon
You tease
You heaven forsaken nightness
You night forsaken day
You wide eyed betrayer
You body fatiguer
You muscle unreparer
You wretched waste
You time stealer
You fatherless child
You female dog
You immaculate angel from hell
You Lucifer
You bearer of false hope
You life taker
You candle burner
You butt
You taker of breathe
You showerless monkey
You filthy war munger
You accidental over dose
You imperialistic withered flower
You sycophant!
You daughter of fire
You icy heart
You escape artist
You slippery little sucker
You wave leaving shore
You tsunami and shadow
You rainbowless fall
You sunless sky
You evil being
You sour sugar
You salty Cake
You vomit face
You crapy ending
You waste of space
You terrible night mare in the day
You death of life
You betrayer of souls
You manipulator of the body
You indignant psychopath






Monday, January 23, 2012

Why - Originally sung by Rascal Flatts


Songwriters: Mathes, Robert; Shamblin, Allen

"You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't see the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Is there anything I could have said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were maskin'
A troubled soul, oh God only knows
What went wrong, and why
You would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the cost
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Is there anything I could have said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were maskin'
A troubled soul, oh God only knows
What went wrong, and why
You would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swayin' in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear, a mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I still have one burning question
Who told you life
Wasn't worth the fight?

They were wrong
They lied
Now you're gone
And we cried

Cause its not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song

Your absolutely, beautiful song."


Dear Clint. You have had a great and wonderful influence on my life. I want you to know that i will always carry your humor love and support for others forever in my heart. Peace be with you my dear friend. I love you. Hugs to you.

Love Bri

Divorce Flowers


Warfare manipulates the sun
Two nations rise
Each to conquer the other
Poverty stretches our her arms
To cradle the children in fear and false protection

The parental carpet is pulled
Civil war breaks out
The government is weak but still in control
Good men are cast into exile
While law breakers rule the land

My heart dips her lips
Into the desperate waters of black human emotion
Waiting for the flowers of surrender to appear
To beam out hope and peace once more

Silence is heard in the riffles
As ten delicate hands elevate the flowers
Above the crowd between the two nations
"Forget-me-not" is whispered

Refusal collapses all hope
Hate and forgiveness become bitter enemies
Rain washes away few pains and sorrows
Leaving behind those crushed
Flowers.

To Jesus

Me singing "Only Hope" as sung by Mandie Moore.

Gates of your Hell

Here I am knocking on the Gates of your Hell
From an open window of my own.
No one is answering,
I guess it is just as well
Deep inside, I feel so alone.
Once I let in another,
Who told me of their pain
Together we were firm and strong
But, she has left me for the other
So here I am again.
She has died, so is my living wrong?
Here i am knocking on the Gates of your Hell
Through an open window from my own
I understand if you won't be answering,
It may be just as well
Perhaps I am meant to always be
ALONE.
For I the Lord do not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and love, and of a sound mind

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

old friend, new enemy


·         I saw you when you walked into the restaurant You were guilty but full of smiles

·         I heard you whisper to your guest, LIES self-pity in all the styles

·         I have no fear of you reading this, since reading was never to your liking

·         You live your lie so fast and swift, and you your hair you are still spiking

·         You saw me at the other place – you froze and shared and cried

·         I noticed it was the same old garbage you spewed forth as you lied

·         I do not hate you, as you go, in-fact I mostly wish you well

·         And after all that I can do and as far as I can tell

·         You are still living the same, (ahem) your same old hell

·         So this poem devoted to you; you never may ever read

·         But if there is anything I can do, find in someone else a need

·         For I can’t help you any more

·         On your knuckles I have banged close the hard oak door

·         And it’s okay if you wear a frown

·         ‘Cause you are now infamous I’ve got you all written down

·         Why did you have to show your face

·         I could be angry any place

·         But you have iced up the room

·         Be off with you upon your broom

·         Fly away into the fog.  Tail between legs you female dog

·         Never again to show yourself

·         With you is dearth, without you wealth

·         Ha ha ha! And a great big goodbye

·         With pants on fire and a needle in your eye

·         Fuck you and all your promises broken

·         You lied far beyond the simple token

·         My heart, my hope all the truth I have shared

·         Fell on deaf ears while my soul I bared

·         You did more than stomp on my desire

·         You dumped gasoline on my skin and lit me on fire

·         Then to put me out – so you said

·         You completely emirs my poor little head (in mud)

·         Why couldn’t you just leave me alone

·         Quit calling and texting me on the phone
·         Not until I wasn’t nice once did you say you were done

·         Surgery you said was worse yet asked 50 times worse than being attacked?

·         Yes! Of course! you were in pain

·         As you tore through my heart in horrific distain

·         I did not want to think that I gave you this power

·         But you can’t know the sweet without tasting the sour

·         Your betrayal was all up front and close but I pretended to not see it

·         Still ice woman you were the most

·         The most painful relationship I’ve, in a long time, had

·         Leading me to think I loved you? Shit, was I mad?

·         Confusion totally swept over me

·         Because you told me you were in need

·         The need to see someone crawling towards you

·         I became your servant not knowing what to do

·         So now you talk about me behind my back

·         I thought I’d care, but I just laugh

·         From the look in your eyes I can tell you’re giving me the power you try to pretend so well

·         I do not know what will become of this poem my dear

·         Our paths are forever parted, that much is clear

·         So, as you walk out the door, I will think of you one time more

·         And send a small blessing out your way

·         To, perhaps have you see, one great day

·         That you’re not the center of everything. You’re not the only one who can sing.

·         I will cross my toes and fingers too, in this little prayer for you

·         That one day you will see the light

·         No longer will you put up a fight

·         For fear of things that go bump in the night

·         But that you may truly be truly free

·         God bless you my once friend, Now, leave me be.