Thursday, June 13, 2013

Somethings I have been thinking about...

So, here i am.  This morning is totally precious, strange.  I am in so much pain, but I love the day.  I am not quite sure how...something about flowers.  i love flowers ... sometimes.  There were a few beautiful flowers that Anita sent to me via text this morning.  I don't know where they are from, but they are fabulous.  One is a deep blue pot with yellow and orange flowers in it... such bright and brilliant flowers... I love them.  I was reading some of what Anita and whomever was talking with her on FB today.  One thing that really struck me was that God's creations top all of our greatest and expensive creations.  For example, some people think they need to build something with our most expensive mediums, in order to speak with God.  And that is just so not it.  One flower.... ONE FLOWER!!! defeats all of our creations before God.  His small beautiful creations such as the baby's breath flower, is so beautiful and adds such a depth to other flowers, like the traditional rose... no one can top that!  I have seen buildings that are adorned with gold and diamonds... and none are as beautiful as say one of God's daisies or wild roses.  it is amazing.
I was reminded of going to these beautiful buildings every weekend with a group of my classmates ... Sat mornings... and I would endure the buildings so that i could dance around in the gardens outside the buildings.  I believe that God's beauty is worth exploring and experiencing, and to put yourself inside a building thinking that you would be more acceptable to God...is infact ignoring Gods beautiful natural gifts.  I believe that going inside and worshiping on Sundays is one thing... but to think that a man made place full of precious stones and gold and silver... would get you closer to God... there is a huge flaw in that way of thinking.. there is no way that God would think, well you made this with your money, and did all this expensive things, so your will to talk to me is greater than that of a poor man... so I God will hear you more, than the poor man... that is just rediculous.  I am poor.  I do not even own one single piece of diamond or gold.... but I know that God hears me!  He does not make it a rule that I build Him a place that is filled with as much expensive stuff as I can manage.  Infact, God says that doing that is wrong.  I would much rather sit in a field of flowers kneel down and contemplate on the mercy and power of God, and talk with Him.  He requires a contrite heart, not an expensive building or anything in the like manner.
Wow, what a thing to realize.  God is so good.  He provides everything. I will trust in the Lord for everything. God is so good.

Yay...


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Comfort my tears...

J'ai besoin de toi ici! J'ai besoin de toi maintenant! Je veux que tu me tiens, mais je ne sais pas comment. Cependant, je crois en ce que tu me dis. Veuillez vous dites que vous m'aimez

Saturday, June 8, 2013

You Love Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHA1EZeZw_8&feature=em-upload_owner-smbtn

This is my new song, a really rough demo, but i think you get the general idea, very excited to be putting it on my CD in Aug....

Yay!!

Sabrina

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Ode to an Open Book (11/ 1995)

Knowledge pours from your rim,
Ready for the thirsty to drink it up.
I've nearly swallowed my fill,
When the day is o'er.

Fairy Tales of wishes and wants,
Ladies in waiting full of woe,
Anguishing for Sir Lancelot
To deliver them from terrible ogres.

Heroes dashing, the gentle and brave,
Fighting duels for fair maidens.
Hoping to win a lovely bride,
And stay alive in the venture.

Science Fiction, glamour girls,
Lipstick tips and Dandelions.
Mathematics, Auto shop
Draw my mind into delicate fantasy.

But books are best when it's hot,
Refreshing, like a summer's night breeze.
So, put on your bathing suit and hop
Right into a book.

Broken Image

From the deep, I stand, Screaming
Yet - the face smiles, "All is well!"
My heart yearns for joy
But, a cold look keeps it black

Who I am, really, no one knows
She keeps me locked up, alone
I cry and fuss - longing to be free
Windows never break
Doors are ever strong

I was let out, ages ago
I spoke to a reflection in a crystal mirror
MISTAKE!
Shattered pieces still lay there
On the floor

I covered the broken image with
Sorrow
Leaving unhealed wounds
-Scars- in my haste
Accidents happen
Trembling hands, must be more
Careful

Even now you read
What I cannot speak
(You are one, not two)

Do you hear the pounding?
Heavy fists upon my cage?

One wants in
One wants out
And I am stuck
In the middle

Friday, April 26, 2013

Broken

Flashes violently crash inside my mind
Of death, of pain, of blood, yet blind
As if I can't control the violence
Appears so pure and awful, benevolent
Is it even something real
Though invisible, same as steel
Red, black, cut and slice,
The blood will fall, though cold as ice
Death will come - so soon to follow
Life remains - pale and hollow
Others fire can't penetrate the cold
Causing this young heart, to become old
Difficult to swallow, decrepit and weak
If the demon is you, Can you turn your cheek
God will watch, His hands are tied
Lucifer saddles his horses, ready for the ride
Left alone, in blackness to suffer
No angel, no loved one, no not any other
She's dead they scream, at long long last
Closing the door, slamming out the past

Sigh...

In the secret recesses of my mind
Lies a story of the abrasive kind
Where hope meets no hope
and they collide
Sitting here I do have hope
Yet, still, I sigh

Deep inside
     I still feel heavy
An' deeply burdened with pain
It runs so deep making me insane
I cannot shed one tear to cry
All I can do is sigh

Many marvelous works pass my way
Duplicate  - thank you's - red lips say
      Fear comes and goes like the tide
Poor me,
       I can only sigh

Beauty all around me bends
A plethora do I have of godly friends
Still my eyes stay dry
... an' I sigh

Where Can I Turn?

Peace speaks from quiet hours
Hunger and humility comfort
Through constant faithfulness
We gain the Heaven's support
The Father smiles down on us
He sends His Spirit with love
Know this all you who read this now
He lives and watches from above
He knows your heart your goals your aims
He listens to your prayers
He knows your names
You are His, and He is yours
With Him in your heart, you can pass
Heaven's doors
He gives you everything you've got
You know as well as I, it is a lot
He listens to your prayers
He knows your names
He knows your heart, you goals, your aims.
 His love for you will never end
  His love helps broken hearts to mend
After all is said and doe
We swill see His face
Together there, we will be in a warm embrace
All the cares of this world will be gone,
the pain too,
Our Heavenly Father will wrap you in his arms and whisper
"MY precious child, I love you
Welcome home."

Have You Ever...

Have you ever wanted something
but what, you weren't sure
Longing to be touched - 

But not until the cure
Have you longed for one to hold you

to love you through your tears
But, couldn't bring yourself to cry,
concealing all your fears
Do you ever dream of being happy
fulfilling all your dreams
Still, trembling, at the truth
and how devastating it seams
Is there a yearning deep inside and 
all you want is to understand?
Why someone has really hurt you
why its hard to take a stand
to look yourself in the eye
Without feeling pain and guilt
but not knowing why?
Do you avoid contact
with that person in the mirror
Forcing strong emotions away 
reinforcing loneliness and fear
Not on purpose, do you feel
You've sabotaged your own life
Like you and happiness are opposites
elusive and full of strife
Did you ever want someone to hold you
and never let you go
Someone to say, "I love you"
even with everything they know
Someone you can trust - to say you are beautiful
or just someone you can trust
To be looked like you're a daughter of God
not dirt, or an object of lust
When someone has something very 
important to you to say
Do you wish they'd just shut up and listen
or simply go away
Do you wanna be better

then you really think you are
To finally cut the umbilical chord

catch at last, you wishing star
Have you ever felt you were hopeless
living a horrific night terror
Hating all the injustice,
but knowing 
she deserves it, her in the mirror
Have you ever just had a whole lot 
of nothing to say
Do you wish you could just stop your heart
and it would all just go away?

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Friday, April 12, 2013

back burn

Man oh man!! I left my heating pad on all night long, and i was laying on top of it with my back.  It hurts so bad because i have first and second degree burns on my back in a space of about one square foot.  it is awful.  I can't believe that it did that! grrrrrr,.....  I suppose that is a lesson that i needed to learn.  I am just lucky it isn't worse I guess.
No fun!!!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Romans Chapter 8 verses 1 - 4

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh,in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

This is such a beautiful set of verses.  There is no condemnation, NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.  If you have confessed you are a sinner, and asked Jesus to be your personal Savior, and ask Him to come into your heart... you are under no condemnation.  He forgives your sins, past- present- future.  All is forgiven, and you are a new creature in Jesus Christ.  He will dwell in your heart, as He is in mine.  I feel wondrous and new.  God is soooo good .... all the time!!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

today SUCKS

Days like today make me sick! I feel like shit! I ache like shit! The weather outside is shitty! and the memories I am having are shitty too... 
i hate it so bad! 
Grrrrrrrr

Monday, March 18, 2013

Depersonalization

"The experience of depersonalization involves an alteration in the individual's sense of self so that the person feels unreal as if he or she were in a dream, like a machine, dead, self-estranged, or otherwise significantly changed from his or her normal state.  Sensory distrubances such as anethesias, parasthesias, alterations in sense of body size or body parts, macroscopia or microscopia or the experience of being outside of one's body and watching ones self from a distance or looking down from above are often present....
No single explanation accounts for the widespread nature of feelings of depersonalization, which are present in about 15 - 30% of all psychiatric patients irrespective of diagnosis.  Nevertheless, as documented earlier in this chapter, depersonalization syndromes are frequently associated with a history of sustained traumas....
Dizziness or fainting episodes are frequently associated with onset of depersonalization syndromes..."

from the book "Diagnosis & Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder" - Frank W. Putnam

Somnambulism

Somnambulism

"Laboratory studies show that somnambulism occurs primarily during the first three hours of sleep and generally in stage 3 or 4 sleep.  Typically the person sits up in bed, then gets up and moves around.  Motor coordination is usually poor, and the person has an automation - like quality (ie., moves slowly and stiffly).  The person's eyes are open, and his or her facial expression is blank.  Complex behaviors such as dressing and eating have been observed in a laboratory settings.  These behaviors are usually out of context and indicate the person's lack of awareness of his or her surroundings.  Somnambulists are difficult to awaken and regain awareness gradually.  In most cases, the person is completely amnesic for the episode.  There is rarely more than one episode per night (Kales et al., 1980)."


taken from "Diagnosis & Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder" by Frank W. Putnam

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

This is exciting!!!!


I didn’t know that there were so many options for growth in life.  I am happy to report that I will be recording my DAD song the first week in April.  This is a huge thing and I am so excited.  My little sister is working on the music to my SOMEDAY song.  These things are so exciting, and I love them! 
God is blessing me with things I didn’t even know that I could do.  This is wonderful for sure!!!  I have been presented with a great opportunity and I am not gonna let it pass me by.  I need to save up a hundred dollars for the blessed event.  This is gonna be so wonderful!
Get excited world, cause I’m comin’!!! 

beautiful! and inspiring!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=7knUFWY2P44&feature=endscreen

Thursday, March 7, 2013

just checking in...

i totally burned my hand on my curling iron.  . . .  . grrr i hate it when that happens.
i have a new room now with all the cleaning i have been doing. i have cleaned bins, shelves, drawers, desk top, dresser top, and vacuumed the floor and dusted and and and....

i have been manic for a while, going on for a week now, so last night my Shrink told me to take 1200 mg of seroquel.   So I did, and I still only got under three hours of sleep... this is crazy....

needless to say, i am still lik wo in my head

gotta run....

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

My Apologies

I did it ... I offered my  opinion when it wasn't asked, and it totally backfired in a way i didn't even think was possible.  It was met with strong opposition, and even a sniff of frustration.  I had a talk with God this morning, and together we (I) came to the conclusion that if someone is telling me about something, but they don't ask for my opinion, I should just keep my trap shut.
So what if I have experience, or time, under my belt where these things are concerned, if someone is just telling me - then i will listen and be supportive.
Now this won't always work.  If i see someone that really needs to be warned about something that could hurt them, i will try to do it with a little bit more tact and love.
Sorry to you who i hurt by thinking my "expertise" would be so good for you to hear.  I was prideful and put myself above the situation.
I am sorry for that.
I love ya, and don't want to cause anyone pain.
So, from here out, I will keep my mouth closed unless i am asked for my opinion.  I don't wanna be a dream crusher, that just sucks.
Love ya,

Bri

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Philippians 4


  6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.7 Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
  8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Warning: this post contains abuse and trauma read with care


Prologue to my book..not grammatically checked yet! lol
“It is my first memory.” I was sitting back in the soft chair in my therapist’s office; a single tear rolling down the right side of my face.
“Go on,” urged the therapist.
I closed my eyes and began slipping into the past, going so far back that image, light and dark, and only basic emotions could be understood. “I was almost two,” I said, listening to the children playing outside that day; it was early summer in 1981. “It seemed that all the kids in the neighborhood were out that day. But there was one guy that could not smile in spite of the beautiful sun. I noticed him pointing at me and I pointed back, as little kids do. But, quickly I went back to playing some running and chasing game. Then he....” I began gulping and another tear was escaping and began rolling down my face. “...he walked over to me and took me by the hand and pulled me away from the other children. He continued walking, pulling me through his garage and into his back yard. I was so small that i don’t think I even uttered a word. He pushed me up against a very large tree and...pulled down my... my pants.”
“Being so small,” the therapist interrupted, “were you still wearing a diaper?”
I began to shake my head, and felt a lump forming in my throat. “I was potty trained when I was 15 months old.”
“Wow, smart girl, okay, go on.”
“He stood there for a long time pressing me firmly to the tree. Then, with one quick swoop he took my pants down, (long deep breath). He was holding me to the tree with one hand on my chest. I said, ‘hey!’ and tried to bend over to pull them back up, but he was too strong for me to even partly bend down.” Suddenly my vision was so blurry with tears that I wanted to stop.
“We have to get it out Symmi.” She said. “This is a safe place; there is not any judgment here, only acceptance and listening. Take a deep breath,” she said cautiously trying to sooth me. “Go on dear.”
“His face was angry; he just stared at me for the longest time. Then he began rubbing my bare legs. I grabbed the tree bark and even at such a young age knew that i had to brace myself for something. I don’t know really what i thought, but i was scared. I started to cry, he slapped my face. So I stood there completely at his mercy. He began touching me again, and then undid his pants … and then.....I just remember looking down at these ants that were climbing the tree, going into this little whole down at the bottom of it. They were big black ants carrying something white and yellow. Oh how lucky those ants were. I admired them. I hated them!! I wanted to be one of them.” The lump in my throat had grown and was nearly choking me. I began to sob, as if I were that two year old child. For all these years I had held the tears in, i swore never to let them out. Yet, here they were coming out in battalions. And I had an odd feeling. I knew I was an adult, but it was the small child inside of me crying, and I thought, only for a split second, that like Alice in wonderland, I was soon going to drown in a sea of my own tears.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Mavlow's Hierarchy of Needs



This is something interesting that I learned about while in my last inpatient stay.  There are 5 levels of the self : Physiological, Safety, Belonging (Intimacy), Self-Esteem (Success), and Self-Actualization.  Each level speaks about our basic human needs.  Starting from the bottom up, we cannot achieve the next level up without meeting all the basic needs of that level.  For example, if I don't meet my Physiological needs, (food, water, shelter, warmth etc...) then I can't move onto the next level up which is Safety.  Because the need for the Physiological is primary and those needs come first.  I will not be interested in gaining freedom from fear if I do not have food in my belly and water and shelter... etc.  Those needs supersede the second level as does the second to the third and so forth.
So the model goes that we grow as humans in a wonderful way.  When we are born we have need for the basics, and as we grow and have our needs met we climb the pyramid and eventually we get to Self-Actualization.
After meeting the basic needs of the Physiological, we can then take the next step which is Safety.  In this step we find that our primitive needs have been met so we are now ready to find security, stability, and freedom from fear.
Once Safety is established, we can then move on the Belonging and Intimacy.  Belonging and Intimacy are things that humans crave.  We all want to belong to a group of family and friends!  Intimacy refers to our relationships - IN ANY FORM.  The levels of intimacy range from saying hello to a stranger on the street, to being between you and your lover, and all the levels in between.
The next level is Success.  We reach for success in our lives on almost every level involved up to this point.  From the small "every day" successes of   brushing your teeth, to creating that one great business merger.  From finding matching socks to cooking a great meal that your whole family enjoys.  Success comes in as many forms as there are needs.  Meeting a need also brings a sense of success.
The last level, is one that we maintain through out our lives, as long as we have met the four previous ones.  Self-Actualization means: "man's tendency to actualize himself, to become his potentialities..."  Reaching for your dreams! Trying to reach your full potential.   Always broadening your horizons and learning learning, and never ever to stop learning.  
Now for the fun part (smiley face)!!!  
Through this learning and study, I have found that each relationship that i have has its own pyramid, its own needs. Not just with people, but with groups, organizations, and also inanimate objects as well.  For example, I take care of my dishes by putting them in the cupboard - so they will not break.  Each dish has a basic need, in order for it to remain in the state that it is in.  One of the Physiological needs is to not break and to be clean.  The safety is to keep it from falling and/or breaking.  The success with the plate is getting it from the cupboard to the dinner table without breaking the dish, among other things.  Each relationship we have carries its own pyramid.  Each relationship has its own basic need, and the steps up to actualization.  In this thinking we not only carry on relationships with people, but also with all the objects, committees  organizations, and resources that we may cling to-or shun as the case may be- in our lives.  
Considering this new information, we must then realize that we carry on with hundreds, if not thousands, of relationships every day.  There are literally thousands and thousands of basic needs that must be met in our lives.  
From this stand point I would like to add a small idea.  Each relationship that we have takes or gives to us.  I was instructed to make a list of people or things that give to me, and then a second list to the things that take from me.   Then once the list was as complete as I could make it, i was to give each entry a value between 1 and 10.  Ten being the best (or the worst as the case may be).  I found myself in a deficit of thousands............ Meaning that I am apart of more people and organizations and things that were draining me of my resources instead of building me up.  Don't you think it would be interesting to find out what yours would be? I would love to hear about your experience, should you chose to do this - you will be amazed.  
Knowing that I am appart of things that do me no good has helped me to reevaluate my life and the direction that I was going.  
What I have learned from this experience is that I tend to neglect my basic and primitive needs, thinking that if I do that, then I will have time to deal with the other needs.  In all reality I cannot do this.  I believe it is impossible to do that.  There is a reason why there is an order to things, and i like to think that i can do what i want, and not take care of myself.  Well, it turns out that just the opposite was true.  I want to express something here.  If we all treated each relationship with the same approach that we take care of our own needs, perhaps there will be a lot more inspirations and positive things that will take place in our lives.  
Recently I dropped one of the major things in my life, because it was something that took 300 hours plus a year from me, and I did not get the same thing out of it i did 6 years ago.  It was a source of great pain, and hardship.  I felt so sad and angry with this organization.  So, i stopped attending, and i have cut ties for the most part.  It is awesome the freedom that that gives me!  Yes! So just because I have learned this stuff, I didn't count on it working out for me so early on, but here we are and i feel so much freedom.  Now I have more time, and the energy I would need, to start up something new.  Live a new dream.  That is what happens, we realize our potential and learn to drop the things that are dragging us down~!
I would encourage you to look into this stuff! See what sorts of things you can learn about your lives, and see if there is a way that you could make a change for the betterment of all the relationships in your life. 
Thanks for taking the time to read this~ 
God bless you in all you do.

Sabrina F. Malan

Did You Know??


DID YOU KNOW???
1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11 Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello !
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar !
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia , soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets , soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36.. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate toothpaste
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola , it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox , or 2 Bayer aspirin , or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you 'squeeze' for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie.
They are:

Monday = Blue,
Tuesday = Green,
Thursday = Red
Friday = White
Saturday = Yellow.

So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

Don't forget Gatorade for Migraine Headaches. PowerAde won't work. Pass this information on to friends so they can be informed.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Malan Melody

setting up a website for my new music, it is gonna be great, just getting used to setting it up, so if you wanna follow the progress the address is


www.MalanMelody.com


Thanks

Bri

Monday, February 4, 2013

Somatization


Signs of Memory Retrieval
Cynthia A. Byrtus, Social Movements Research Group
PO Box -  Boulder CO, 80306 (303)443-1486
(Edited and Adapted 9/5/10 Rob Pramann, PHD)
(Symptoms increase as the awareness of the memory increases and “comes closer”)
1.       *headache, mild to severe
2.       *Pressure at base of the head (or lower skull)
3.       *Stiff neck
4.       Eyes become cloudy, reddened, tired, and depressed looking.
5.       *Eyes become sensitive to light
6.       *Pupil dialation
7.       *Pressure behind or around the eyes
8.       Chest pains
9.       Difficulty breathing
10.   Shortness of breath
11.   Pressure on chest area
12.   Heart fluttering/palpitations
13.   Nausea
14.   Acid stomach
15.   *Dizziness or lightheadedness
16.   Diarrhea
17.   *General feeling of tiredness
18.   *Mood swings
19.   Depression, mild  to severe
20.   Clammy, sweaty palms and feet
21.   Sweating
22.   Stomach aches
23.   Visual Flashbacks
24.   *Mental confusion
25.   *Irritability
26.   “Sense” memory
27.   Fears
28.   Phobias
29.   Strange tastes or smells (not due to eating, injury, or surroundings stimuli)
30.   Auditory Hallucinations
31.   Body aches or pains.  Different body parts or areas can feel hurt or painful.  It is usually an off and on pattern during a 24 hour period or longer.  These are sometimes called a body or tissue memory.

*indicates symptoms that also accompany “switching”   or internal “movement” among parts
Signs of Switching (or internal movement among parts)

1.       Headache
2.       Pressure inside the head
3.       Stiff neck – (usually not as intense as with memory retrieval)
4.       Pressure at the base of the head – (less intense than with memory retrieval)
5.       Pupil dilation
6.       Pressure behind the eyes
7.       Blurry vision – (clears, then becomes blurry)
8.       Eyes become watery or classy, glazed in appearance.  Eyes can also appear reddened without memory retrieval.  Reddened eyes without memory symptoms means that part is functioning that has repressed materials attached to it.
9.       Eyes more sensitive to light
10.   Lightheadedness or dizziness
11.   Chills
12.   Eats ring
13.   Physically feeling shorter than usual
14.   Emotionally feeling more child-like
15.   Mood swing – a change in mood
16.   Thought pattern change – thoughts change about same subject and your response changes with it
17.   Feelings and emotions change, that is, change about same situation
18.   Objects and people look different.  Dimensions are off, colors can look brighter or dimmer
19.   Body looks and feels detached
20.   Voice changes, voice intonation or inflection changes










Common Triggers (That Cause Switching or Memory Retrieval)
1.       Stressors (Daily living stresses – these are a major cause).  Examples
a.        Fighting with spouse or friend
b.      Observing a fight
c.       Having sexual intercourse
d.      Paying rent
e.      Problem solving
f.        The age of your child (especially the age when your trauma occurred)
2.       Something someone says
3.       Past perpetrator
4.       People who look like past perpetrators
a.       Someone that holds same kind of job perpetrator (for example, ministers, clergy)
b.      Same similar location or venue
c.       Mannerism or laugh is similar
5.       Certain times of year (anniversary dates)
6.       Objects
7.       Emotions (similar) such as anger, fear, etc.
8.       Colors
9.       Smells (cologne, perfume, odors, etc.)
10.   Sounds
11.   While in therapy, working on memory
12.   Pulling memory too fast in therapy
13.   Lack of sleep
14.   Touch
15.   Not having enough balance (fun vs. processing)
16.   Drugs and/or alcohol

To You I Write........


I want to write of life – love and laughter and bliss.  I want to write the sonnets of my life on the heart and In the eyes of those4 who seek true happiness of this world.  I wish to sell my words, first purchased by my breath – for a price of life’s few tender moments, where silver linings are born.  I seek the endless shining that dwells in the heart of Philosophers and stirs the soul bringing forth a sunrise worn on the faces of the pure, and intellectually sound at ease; but to whom darkness with heaven’s curses and daylight full of stars is no stranger than a mother’s kiss or a final chance to prove your personal worth.  If dreams be your future and images of fantasy and desire your native tongue.  If you feel death reaching up for you and taste sweetness in the chase.  If your soul is yearning for transformation from reality to real life…
It is to you I write!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Beautiful Destiny


From Destiny's family:

here is the final story on destiny:
... I just wanted to clear the air and provide some answers to the many people who knew and loved DDestiny Winder .. I wouldn't be putting it on Facebook normally but her mom has asked me to... And because I know there are so many questions and so many different stories about it going around .. Destiny's body is home now ... They've found all of her personal items as well as her car. She had driven for 7 days and ended up in New Mexico - they found her body on the 8th - she committed suicide - she had jumped and fallen 40 ft and died on impact ... Mainly I just want to make it perfectly clear that she did NOT overdose - and that she did indeed WIN her battle with addiction - she was a strong - Loving - Brave human being - And I am so proud of her for everything she overcame... And I want everyone to be proud of her as well - because she deserves it.
I, as a friend of Destiny is so sorry to have to repost something like this. It pains me and breaks my heart to think of such a great loss this beautiful soul is going to be to her very loving families, her friends and me in my own life. May she RIP now and we all find some closure. I just need to say, and want the many women in my recovery life weather you are sober or not, to know how much I love you.