8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. |
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Philippians 4
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Warning: this post contains abuse and trauma read with care
Prologue to my book..not grammatically checked yet! lol
“It is my first memory.” I was sitting back in the soft chair in my therapist’s office; a single tear rolling down the right side of my face.
“Go on,” urged the therapist.
I closed my eyes and began slipping into the past, going so far back that image, light and dark, and only basic emotions could be understood. “I was almost two,” I said, listening to the children playing outside that day; it was early summer in 1981. “It seemed that all the kids in the neighborhood were out that day. But there was one guy that could not smile in spite of the beautiful sun. I noticed him pointing at me and I pointed back, as little kids do. But, quickly I went back to playing some running and chasing game. Then he....” I began gulping and another tear was escaping and began rolling down my face. “...he walked over to me and took me by the hand and pulled me away from the other children. He continued walking, pulling me through his garage and into his back yard. I was so small that i don’t think I even uttered a word. He pushed me up against a very large tree and...pulled down my... my pants.”
“Being so small,” the therapist interrupted, “were you still wearing a diaper?”
I began to shake my head, and felt a lump forming in my throat. “I was potty trained when I was 15 months old.”
“Wow, smart girl, okay, go on.”
“He stood there for a long time pressing me firmly to the tree. Then, with one quick swoop he took my pants down, (long deep breath). He was holding me to the tree with one hand on my chest. I said, ‘hey!’ and tried to bend over to pull them back up, but he was too strong for me to even partly bend down.” Suddenly my vision was so blurry with tears that I wanted to stop.
“We have to get it out Symmi.” She said. “This is a safe place; there is not any judgment here, only acceptance and listening. Take a deep breath,” she said cautiously trying to sooth me. “Go on dear.”
“His face was angry; he just stared at me for the longest time. Then he began rubbing my bare legs. I grabbed the tree bark and even at such a young age knew that i had to brace myself for something. I don’t know really what i thought, but i was scared. I started to cry, he slapped my face. So I stood there completely at his mercy. He began touching me again, and then undid his pants … and then.....I just remember looking down at these ants that were climbing the tree, going into this little whole down at the bottom of it. They were big black ants carrying something white and yellow. Oh how lucky those ants were. I admired them. I hated them!! I wanted to be one of them.” The lump in my throat had grown and was nearly choking me. I began to sob, as if I were that two year old child. For all these years I had held the tears in, i swore never to let them out. Yet, here they were coming out in battalions. And I had an odd feeling. I knew I was an adult, but it was the small child inside of me crying, and I thought, only for a split second, that like Alice in wonderland, I was soon going to drown in a sea of my own tears.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Mavlow's Hierarchy of Needs
This is something interesting that I learned about while in my last inpatient stay. There are 5 levels of the self : Physiological, Safety, Belonging (Intimacy), Self-Esteem (Success), and Self-Actualization. Each level speaks about our basic human needs. Starting from the bottom up, we cannot achieve the next level up without meeting all the basic needs of that level. For example, if I don't meet my Physiological needs, (food, water, shelter, warmth etc...) then I can't move onto the next level up which is Safety. Because the need for the Physiological is primary and those needs come first. I will not be interested in gaining freedom from fear if I do not have food in my belly and water and shelter... etc. Those needs supersede the second level as does the second to the third and so forth.
So the model goes that we grow as humans in a wonderful way. When we are born we have need for the basics, and as we grow and have our needs met we climb the pyramid and eventually we get to Self-Actualization.
After meeting the basic needs of the Physiological, we can then take the next step which is Safety. In this step we find that our primitive needs have been met so we are now ready to find security, stability, and freedom from fear.
Once Safety is established, we can then move on the Belonging and Intimacy. Belonging and Intimacy are things that humans crave. We all want to belong to a group of family and friends! Intimacy refers to our relationships - IN ANY FORM. The levels of intimacy range from saying hello to a stranger on the street, to being between you and your lover, and all the levels in between.
The next level is Success. We reach for success in our lives on almost every level involved up to this point. From the small "every day" successes of brushing your teeth, to creating that one great business merger. From finding matching socks to cooking a great meal that your whole family enjoys. Success comes in as many forms as there are needs. Meeting a need also brings a sense of success.
The last level, is one that we maintain through out our lives, as long as we have met the four previous ones. Self-Actualization means: "man's tendency to actualize himself, to become his potentialities..." Reaching for your dreams! Trying to reach your full potential. Always broadening your horizons and learning learning, and never ever to stop learning.
Now for the fun part (smiley face)!!!
Through this learning and study, I have found that each relationship that i have has its own pyramid, its own needs. Not just with people, but with groups, organizations, and also inanimate objects as well. For example, I take care of my dishes by putting them in the cupboard - so they will not break. Each dish has a basic need, in order for it to remain in the state that it is in. One of the Physiological needs is to not break and to be clean. The safety is to keep it from falling and/or breaking. The success with the plate is getting it from the cupboard to the dinner table without breaking the dish, among other things. Each relationship we have carries its own pyramid. Each relationship has its own basic need, and the steps up to actualization. In this thinking we not only carry on relationships with people, but also with all the objects, committees organizations, and resources that we may cling to-or shun as the case may be- in our lives.
Considering this new information, we must then realize that we carry on with hundreds, if not thousands, of relationships every day. There are literally thousands and thousands of basic needs that must be met in our lives.
From this stand point I would like to add a small idea. Each relationship that we have takes or gives to us. I was instructed to make a list of people or things that give to me, and then a second list to the things that take from me. Then once the list was as complete as I could make it, i was to give each entry a value between 1 and 10. Ten being the best (or the worst as the case may be). I found myself in a deficit of thousands............ Meaning that I am apart of more people and organizations and things that were draining me of my resources instead of building me up. Don't you think it would be interesting to find out what yours would be? I would love to hear about your experience, should you chose to do this - you will be amazed.
Knowing that I am appart of things that do me no good has helped me to reevaluate my life and the direction that I was going.
What I have learned from this experience is that I tend to neglect my basic and primitive needs, thinking that if I do that, then I will have time to deal with the other needs. In all reality I cannot do this. I believe it is impossible to do that. There is a reason why there is an order to things, and i like to think that i can do what i want, and not take care of myself. Well, it turns out that just the opposite was true. I want to express something here. If we all treated each relationship with the same approach that we take care of our own needs, perhaps there will be a lot more inspirations and positive things that will take place in our lives.
Recently I dropped one of the major things in my life, because it was something that took 300 hours plus a year from me, and I did not get the same thing out of it i did 6 years ago. It was a source of great pain, and hardship. I felt so sad and angry with this organization. So, i stopped attending, and i have cut ties for the most part. It is awesome the freedom that that gives me! Yes! So just because I have learned this stuff, I didn't count on it working out for me so early on, but here we are and i feel so much freedom. Now I have more time, and the energy I would need, to start up something new. Live a new dream. That is what happens, we realize our potential and learn to drop the things that are dragging us down~!
I would encourage you to look into this stuff! See what sorts of things you can learn about your lives, and see if there is a way that you could make a change for the betterment of all the relationships in your life.
Thanks for taking the time to read this~
God bless you in all you do.
Sabrina F. Malan
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Malan Melody
setting up a website for my new music, it is gonna be great, just getting used to setting it up, so if you wanna follow the progress the address is
www.MalanMelody.com
Thanks
Bri
www.MalanMelody.com
Thanks
Bri
Monday, February 4, 2013
Somatization
Signs of Memory Retrieval
Cynthia A. Byrtus, Social Movements Research Group
PO Box - Boulder CO, 80306 (303)443-1486
(Edited and Adapted 9/5/10 Rob Pramann, PHD)
PO Box - Boulder CO, 80306 (303)443-1486
(Edited and Adapted 9/5/10 Rob Pramann, PHD)
(Symptoms increase as the awareness of the memory increases
and “comes closer”)
1.
*headache, mild to severe
2.
*Pressure at base of the head (or lower skull)
3.
*Stiff neck
4.
Eyes become cloudy, reddened, tired, and
depressed looking.
5.
*Eyes become sensitive to light
6.
*Pupil dialation
7.
*Pressure behind or around the eyes
8.
Chest pains
9.
Difficulty breathing
10.
Shortness of breath
11.
Pressure on chest area
12.
Heart fluttering/palpitations
13.
Nausea
14.
Acid stomach
15.
*Dizziness or lightheadedness
16.
Diarrhea
17.
*General feeling of tiredness
18.
*Mood swings
19.
Depression, mild
to severe
20.
Clammy, sweaty palms and feet
21.
Sweating
22.
Stomach aches
23.
Visual Flashbacks
24.
*Mental confusion
25.
*Irritability
26.
“Sense” memory
27.
Fears
28.
Phobias
29.
Strange tastes or smells (not due to eating,
injury, or surroundings stimuli)
30.
Auditory Hallucinations
31.
Body aches or pains. Different body parts or areas can feel hurt
or painful. It is usually an off and on
pattern during a 24 hour period or longer.
These are sometimes called a body or tissue memory.
*indicates symptoms that also accompany
“switching” or internal “movement”
among parts
Signs of Switching (or internal movement
among parts)
1.
Headache
2.
Pressure inside the head
3.
Stiff neck – (usually not as intense as with
memory retrieval)
4.
Pressure at the base of the head – (less intense
than with memory retrieval)
5.
Pupil dilation
6.
Pressure behind the eyes
7.
Blurry vision – (clears, then becomes blurry)
8.
Eyes become watery or classy, glazed in
appearance. Eyes can also appear
reddened without memory retrieval.
Reddened eyes without memory symptoms means that part is functioning
that has repressed materials attached to it.
9.
Eyes more sensitive to light
10.
Lightheadedness or dizziness
11.
Chills
12.
Eats ring
13.
Physically feeling shorter than usual
14.
Emotionally feeling more child-like
15.
Mood swing – a change in mood
16.
Thought pattern change – thoughts change about
same subject and your response changes with it
17.
Feelings and emotions change, that is, change
about same situation
18.
Objects and people look different. Dimensions are off, colors can look brighter
or dimmer
19.
Body looks and feels detached
20.
Voice changes, voice intonation or inflection
changes
Common Triggers (That Cause Switching or Memory Retrieval)
1.
Stressors (Daily living stresses – these are a
major cause). Examples
a.
Fighting
with spouse or friend
b.
Observing a fight
c.
Having sexual intercourse
d.
Paying rent
e.
Problem solving
f.
The age of your child (especially the age when
your trauma occurred)
2.
Something someone says
3.
Past perpetrator
4.
People who look like past perpetrators
a.
Someone that holds same kind of job perpetrator
(for example, ministers, clergy)
b.
Same similar location or venue
c.
Mannerism or laugh is similar
5.
Certain times of year (anniversary dates)
6.
Objects
7.
Emotions (similar) such as anger, fear, etc.
8.
Colors
9.
Smells (cologne, perfume, odors, etc.)
10.
Sounds
11.
While in therapy, working on memory
12.
Pulling memory too fast in therapy
13.
Lack of sleep
14.
Touch
15.
Not having enough balance (fun vs. processing)
16.
Drugs and/or alcohol
To You I Write........
I want to write of life – love and laughter and bliss. I want to write the sonnets of my life on the
heart and In the eyes of those4 who seek true happiness of this world. I wish to sell my words, first purchased by
my breath – for a price of life’s few tender moments, where silver linings are
born. I seek the endless shining that
dwells in the heart of Philosophers and stirs the soul bringing forth a sunrise
worn on the faces of the pure, and intellectually sound at ease; but to whom
darkness with heaven’s curses and daylight full of stars is no stranger than a
mother’s kiss or a final chance to prove your personal worth. If dreams be your future and images of
fantasy and desire your native tongue.
If you feel death reaching up for you and taste sweetness in the chase. If your soul is yearning for transformation
from reality to real life…
It is to you I write!
It is to you I write!
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