The last 48 hours have been a real whirl wind of emotions. I drove up to the SLC valley to go to an AA meeting and to meet with my AA sponsor. I then went to my friend's to see his new place. He just moved across town into a small house. It was a lot nicer than the apartment that he was living in, but because he has been having problems with his job he appeared unhappy, to say the least. He asked me if I had seen the AVENGERS, and I told him that I had not. Then he asked me if I had seen any of the movies that led up to that. I told him no. Then he said,"Well, I know what we are gonna be doing tonight!" and he hooked up his theater system and we watched IRON MAN. It was a great show, what I remember of it. But I was switching so much that I don't know the story line too well.
Because I was switching so much... I don't recall all that we did, but I do remember small glimpses. I was supposed to only be there for an hour or two, then I was going to go over to my very good friend's house for a few hours and then I was going to go home. But, due to switching, and other things, I did not leave his house until after midnight. AND I had left my phone in the car so I didn't get the chance to send her a text telling her that I was gonna be late. So she was all kinds of worried about me. See she was there when I went over to the dangerous man's apartment. She was at my home when I finally got away from him, and she saw the bruises, and when I told her what happened she was so traumatized. So me not sending her a message telling her that everything was okay, freaked her out.
I finally called her as I was pulling out of his driveway. She was having a panic attack on the phone, and started crying, I could tell that she was really angry and very upset. I was trying to piece together my night, and drive safely to her house, so I had to get off the phone. I saw a cop car directly in front of me, and told her about it, and got off the phone.
I was immediately flooded with guilt and shame. I was Filled to the brim, inside of my head, with voices screaming at me, screaming at each other! I have 39 alters, and it was like there was crying, and yelling, and screaming, and growling, etc. I tried to take deep breaths as I was driving to my sweet scared friend's house. I got there, and I smelled like boy, because he and I were cuddle-ling on the couch watching the movie. So I pushed through my purse and found some smell good lotion and put it on my neck and arms and face. When I got out of the car, she was there wrapped up in a blanket waiting to hug me, and see that I was okay. She and I went into her home and out on the back porch. We talked for about an hour and a half. It was intense, and I felt like I could not apologize enough. She wasn't shaming me, she wasn't even blaming me for what happened.... she was merely expressing her feelings. She said that she didn't want to take care of my feelings and hers, and I agreed with her.... I am a big girl and I can take care of my own feelings. I don't need anybody to help me with my feelings!! But ... wo I didn't know I was upset about that, but I suppose I was. Anyways, She was trying to keep it real. And so we talked about what happened, and how she felt about it, and how i felt about it. I was so messed up, and finally I realized I wasn't there in the conversation. I realized that she was talking, and I had no idea what she was saying. I tried to involve myself back in the conversation, but my mind would not stick to it. I was lost for about 15 minutes. Then I finally got the nerve up to tell her that I was dissociated and had no idea what she was talking about. We talked for a while after that, and I knew that I was gonna need to go because I was freezing from being outside, and I was so messed up emotionally in my head and in my heart. So we talked for a bit inside and I left. I drove home, and walked inside, plugged in my phone and turned on some GLEE and sat up for a while. Around 4 I switched and when I came to around 630 AM I had around 30 new cuts on my arms.
I went to therapy today. I have a few things that were written on the back wall in my mind so I know a few things that happened, but I don't have a full picture. And I have been in and out since then. Well, I just came back into it, and i have over 120 cuts, on arms and a few on my left leg. I don't know how I am doing this, because I don't have anything to cut with that I can see. But my arms are just ugly, and they are burning.
I feel like I am doing something so wrong, and that I have no control. I feel like someone is attacking me. I do not want to go into the hospital....but at the same time, I don't wanna keep playing this game of Russian roulette .... I need to talk to someone about this. But I don't know who to talk to about it. I am afraid that Francine might be taking things too far. I don't know why I can't control this. I am so sad. I am so angry. I am so frustrated. I am so triggered. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. I am praying, but I just don't know what is going to help. That doesn't mean i don't have faith cause i do.... I am just struggling
There is a ton that i have not written here too, but that is long enough for right now.
Thanks for taking the time to read if you did.
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