I need to vent. I have been told by my family, nearly my whole adult life, to ship up and fly right. to grow up and quit with the downer talk. I have hand picked friends that i thought would understand where i was coming from .... friends that would not cosign my bullshit, but would not blind slide me either. Tonight I was told that I need to grow up. I was told that I am selfish and that I blame others for my problems, most of all I blame God. And this isn't true. I think it hurts me so because my parents and the people who were supposed to love and support me told me so in not so nice ways i might add. They claimed that me being me, wasn't enough for them, and least of all it wasn't pleasing to God. I do not want to always make it about me. i do not always think of giving up. I don't think i need to grow-up, i think that i need to learn to deal with the mental illness that i have, and i am learning. Of course i am not perfect at it, not yet, i am still learning.... and i have come a pretty long way. but i can't now, nor will i ever be, perfect!
I don't need to grow up!!
UGGGGGH! I take care of my responsibilities, i make it to all my appointments! I pay all my bills! I don't ask anyone to take care of my anything! I am constantly working on doing things in a better fashion and learning about new ways to plan and so on. I think that is pretty fucking responsible!
I understand that we all are dealing with the conflict of self, I have been pretty up there in selfishness. I was a drunk and druggie, and i would put my using above everything else...no questions asked. But, I have seriously been working on that. I have not used or drank for almost a year now, and I go to AA meetings, and I attend church. I try to be there for my friends, and I love helping out when i can. I have had to learn the difference between what i can do, and what i can't. I do what i can, and I can do a little more sometimes, and a little less other times. But I am honest on what i can do. I don't say i can't do something if i can do it. I am just not that way. Life is too short to spend it lieing! I am as honest as i can be man.
the biggest thing that i do need to work on is this extreme depressive behavior. It is chemical major depression, and also situational. And for years i have gone from okay to suicidal in like 30 minutes. (sometimes not even that long) but it is getting longer and longer, this last time it wasn't even a thought. I said that i wanted to .... you know. and it was thought that i was talking about suicide. even when i told him that i meant that i wanted to be a normal person, and not about death, he told me to grow up, and to stop blamin the Lord for all I got. I was taken a back. I had a huge question mark on my forehead. I suppose he had been meaning to tell me this for quite sometime. But, i was hurt because this person never really tried to understand me about the DID, he never asks about it, and he won't because it makes him uncomfy. But, damn, just because you are uncomfortable don't shit on me.
He told me that he was saying this as much for him, and he was for me. He said that we will all stand before our maker some day, and will have to answer for all the things that we have done in our lives, which is true. He then said we can't blame anyone else for what we do, or don't do. The only thing i have ever told him was that i wish i had control when my alters come out, i wish that they didn't cut me, i wanted control, and it frustrated me a lot. Then he told me that I need to grow up and stop blaming others for what i do to myself. So i tried to give him an out, thought that he didn't understand me and my situation. You know, cuz he never asked me anything about it. So I asked him point blank - are you saying that i am aware of my cutting me, and that i don't have the multiple thing going on. He said "I'm not going to apologize for what I have said."
This made me so mad that I could barely see straight. And the kewl thing is that i didn't turn it inward. I didn't get mad at myself and cut my arm to shreds. I also didn't switch. I don't know why. I don't understand it, but in a way I am happy about that. Instead of doing all those things, I got on here and typed out my feelings.
So, while i am pissed at my friend for what he said to me. I am also grateful that I had this experience. I was so sad, and felt completely betrayed. but, also I used one of my coping skills that i learned from my therapist.... so in a way it was a good thing. but a very heart breaking one.
He was just very unconscious about his behavior, and i know that what he was telling me was a reflection of the way he sees his life. He even said that he needed to hear what he was saying to me... so there you go.
ugggh, grrrr.... and plecky
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